embracing an empty nest...

A year ago this week, we took both our children to university. The quietness in the house is a testament to the milestones achieved – both of my kids are now at university. As I sit here, I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of pride in their accomplishments. The pride is, however, tinged with a hint of nostalgia, for I miss them both dearly.

The journey to this moment has been a long and rewarding one. Watching my children grow, learn, and ultimately embark on their own educational adventures has been a source of immense joy. Their pursuit of knowledge, independence, and personal growth fills me with a sense of accomplishment as a parent.

Yet, with this newfound quiet, I can't help but reflect on the memories we've created within these walls. From the laughter echoing through the hallways to the late-night conversations that only a mother could have with her children, our home has been a hub of love, learning, and growth.

Now, as they navigate the world on their own, I am reminded of the importance of allowing them the space to spread their wings. It's a bittersweet feeling, knowing that they are forging their paths, facing challenges, and experiencing life's adventures without my daily presence. But it's precisely this independence that I've strived to nurture in them over the years.

As I write this, my heart swells with pride once more. The quiet house is a testament to their success, and I know that they are well-equipped to conquer the world. Our home may be quieter now, but the love, support, and pride that reside here will forever remain.

In this chapter of our lives, I am learning to embrace the empty nest, cherishing the moments we shared while eagerly anticipating the adventures that lie ahead for both of them. This was my life 12 little months ago, so much has changed, yes the house is still so quiet, but now the laughter and late night chats with Sophie will never return, the memories we made - that, and artefacts, is all I have left of my beautiful angel.

How do you even start to understand this ???

...crocodile tears, true friend or not ?

My heart aches as I try to find the words to express the pain and anguish I feel after the devastating loss of my beloved 19-year-old daughter, Sophie, to suicide. It was a day that blindsided us all, a day we never saw coming. Sophie, like all of us, had her struggles, and we were actively addressing them together. However, it is only now that I am starting to unravel the horrifying truth about the abusive relationship Sophie was trapped in. I will share more about that when I am stronger, but for now, my heart is heavy with the knowledge that Sophie reached out to some of her "friends," pouring out her feelings and pleading for help on multiple occasions.

Sophie was a young woman with her share of struggles. As her mother, I was there for her, and together, we were working through life's challenges. But it's only now, in the aftermath of her untimely passing, that I've begun to unearth the painful truth about the abusive relationship Sophie was trapped in. It's a topic I plan to address when I gather enough strength, but today, my heart aches with another revelation.

Learning that Sophie reached out to certain individuals, whom she considered friends, leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. She bared her soul to them, expressing the turmoil that raged within her, pleading for help. It wasn't a single cry for assistance; it was a chorus of desperate appeals. To my disbelief, Sophie even found herself apologizing for things she had never done, all in a desperate attempt to escape the darkness that threatened to consume her.

What cuts me to the core is the discovery that some of these so-called friends responded with insincere concern. Their tears were like crocodile tears, masking the cold reality that they did not extend a helping hand when Sophie needed it most. They didn't lift a finger to seek help on her behalf, nor did they offer the comfort she so desperately craved. Instead, they sent messages that deepened her despair, further isolating her in her anguish.

In the midst of my grief, one question haunts me: What could have transpired between friends that would justify abandoning someone in their darkest hour? What act, what offense, could be so unforgivable that it justifies turning away from a friend who was drowning in pain?

To those who may recognize themselves in this narrative, I urge you to take a moment to reflect. If you find that you could have done something differently, I implore you to summon the strength to acknowledge it. In the wake of this harrowing loss, we all must bear the weight of our actions, or inaction, and strive for understanding and healing.

In loving memory of Sophie, may her story serve as a stark reminder of the importance of compassion, support, and genuine friendship in the lives of those who silently battle their inner demons.

And to those who might wonder if this message is directed at them, I ask you to reflect deeply. If you sense that you could have acted differently, please consider it a call to self-reflection and grow. Together, we can honour Sophie's memory by striving to be better friends and advocates for those in need.

the music...

As a mother who has recently lost her beloved daughter to suicide, I find solace and connection in the world of music. Throughout my life, songs have been a source of joy, a way to make memories, and a means of connecting people and events to a particular melody. However, since my daughter Sophie's tragic departure, songs have taken on a different, more heart-wrenching role in my life.

Music has always held a special place in my heart, as it does for many people. The way a song can instantly uplift your spirits, transport you back in time, or even serve as a comforting presence during difficult moments is nothing short of magical. It's the universal language that brings people together, and it's been a constant companion on my journey through life.

But now, in the aftermath of losing Sophie, songs have become a bittersweet reminder of what was and what will never be again. The melodies I once associated with cherished memories now have the power to reduce me to tears, and I mean tears that flow uncontrollably.

It's a paradoxical experience: the very thing that used to bring me joy and comfort now stirs up overwhelming grief. Songs that once filled my heart with happiness and nostalgia have been transformed into poignant reminders of my daughter's absence.

I never realized just how deeply Sophie and I were connected through music until she was gone. We had our songs, the ones that were "ours" – the ones we would sing along to on car rides, dance to in the living room, or play in the background during special family gatherings. Those songs, once a testament to our bond, now serve as a poignant testament to her absence.

Listening to these songs is like re-opening old wounds, but it's also a way of keeping her memory alive. The pain of the tears that flow when those melodies fill the air is somehow mixed with a sense of comfort, knowing that even in her absence, Sophie is still with me in some way.

I've come to realize that this is a part of the grieving process, a necessary step in finding closure and healing. The tears that these songs elicit are not a sign of weakness, but rather a testament to the deep love and connection I shared with my daughter. Through the pain, there's a glimmer of hope that one day, these songs will bring back the warmth of cherished memories without the overwhelming sorrow.

In the meantime, I'm learning to navigate this new relationship with music. It's no longer about just enjoying the melodies; it's about processing the emotions they evoke. Each tear that falls is a tribute to the love I still carry for Sophie, a love that will never fade, no matter how many songs turn into tears.