sort and sweet one today.... no real direction, today is full of confusion and questions.
Hi Everyone,
I've not written for a little while, because I've not been very strong. From the outside I might look like I'm doing alright, but on my own it's a totally different story.
I have tried to distract myself from the pain by immersing myself in work, launching a new venture, continuing my further education, and supporting mental health and homeless causes. But nothing can erase the memory of that night. I still see everything in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I witnessed things that no parents should ever have to see. I replay every moment, wondering what I could have done differently. What if I had acted sooner? Was it inevitable? What if that phone call had never come? Or if I had picked up the phone instead of Sophie? These are questions that haunt me, but I will never find the answers.
I have 19 years of memories with my beautiful daughter, but I want more. I want to see her grow and flourish, to finish her degree, to graduate with pride, to chase her dreams, to find her happiness, to get married, to have children. I want to do all the things we had planned and dreamed of, especially the ones we talked about on her final day. But now I have to do them without her, in her memory. I will have to visit the theatre to watch the shows she loved, go on the girlie holidays we discussed, chase the sunsets we admired, attend the festivals we dreamed of, without my baby girl. Somehow, I have to learn to live without her, knowing that I will never see her again, never hug her, never talk to her, never hear her beautiful voice, never witness her build the life she deserved.
Music used to comfort me in the beginning, when I still hoped she would come back. We had so many songs that we loved and sang together, songs that reminded me of her smile, her laugh, her spirit. But now they only hurt me, they only remind me of what I have lost. I can’t bear to listen to them, to face the truth that she is gone forever. She is not on a trip with no phone reception, she is not coming home. I can only hope she is in a better place, a place where she is happy and free. Of course, I don’t know what happens when we die, but I do know that I miss her more than words can say.
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